I am nothing

His mind blanks out again. He can't control his current state of being. He feels he is spinning up high. How high, he can't comprehend, his vision is disoriented from the circular ascension. In his discomfort he wonders what is happening? What now? What power wants me now? Why am I in a position of being controlled. Not this time. Not now.

"I am Freeeee. I am fucking freeeeeeee." He ascends higher and feels he has evaporated from all the spinning.

He wakes up. He's naked. He finally sees himself , his body since his death. Something feels different. He feels new. He feels pure again. He hates nothing. He feels he loves all. He wants to love. He wants to feel love. But there is no one around him. He wonders where he is. He feels he is a place of nothingness. It does not feel sad but it feels empty. He emotion for love all of sudden feels unneeded. Why should he feel and want love in a place where he could not spread it or give it to a particular person or creature.

He all of a sudden feels mad. What evil trick is this now? What am I into now? What's happening to me now? Where the fuck am I now? He starts to cry. He continues crying for long periods of time it felt as if he had cried for days, maybe even a week. When he stopped crying. He looked into the depths of nothingness and shouted with all his might.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept at this for what felt like a month. His lungs and throat never felt like it was caving or felt tired. He stopped because he felt there was nothing else to shout about. He remembered the countless times he wanted to shout and cry when he was alive.

There was this girl. He could not quite remember her name. But she was to him the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her eyes were round and bright like a black and white sun. Her eye lashes were curled and thick. Her cheek bones rose higher to him whenever she smiled. His first kiss, his first fuck, his first real true friend who was a woman. He wanted her , she wanted him. But woman like her were also wanted by other men. Mostly powerful men. Well at least men with more means than he had. He lost her to one of those men. His resentment for the elite and powerful began at this point. What could he do? He always felt. It was a humbling moment. He was a strong physical man. But there are other things in life that are stronger than mere brute strength.

He didn't mind being a subordinate to them but losing her to them was hard to take. He was a proud man. A farmer that toiled the land. Work hard and earn your keep. But not all he could keep. He couldn't do anything but keep his fury inside. Use it in war. From then on he would march with his company until its annihilation. Never to talk about her. Tried not to think of her. He would fuck whores and rape women from pillaged villages. That's the closets he would ever come to the comfort of a women.

When he lost her he accepted his place on earth. He felt a lesser human. One that was not able to get what he wanted. One that had to succumb to the command of others. Insubordination meant a whip or a night in a stinky pit of shit. He shouted and cried for all those times he felt helpless and controlled.

Now he felt an immense sense of peace. This was not a peace you feel when you have an unrest less sleep. No. This is when all your sorrows, envy, grudges, hate , fear , ego and stress are filtered out your being. He felt his soul glow and his breath take a full exhale as if it would never end.

He was floating no where. He was nowhere as far as he was concerned. He did not care. He wanted to enjoy not feeling any heavy emotions for as long as he could. He was not happy but he was not sad. He does not feel love but certainly not hate. No hope, no despair, no desire, no pain, no strength, no aggression, no passivity. Where the fuck is he.

Drifting in the middle of nowhere. Savoring this moment as much as he could. He did not care if he was in this state for years, decades, centuries. If somebody was controlling this state of mind or this place, he would like to thank them. If it was a place created by no one, all the better.

He drifted for years. Meeting no one or nothing. Saying nothing, feeling nothing. He was just constantly in a state of nothingness. He was nothing.